Sick-n-Twisted Kind of Mind

I think there is something wrong with me.

I’ve always been a little different. I mean I wore a Pokemon shirt with a skirt, tights and Chuck Taylor’s in high school when I should have been caring what other people think — it’s just not something I’ve ever concerned myself with.

The thing is, last night I was on the phone with a friend when he asked how my day was and I, in a very excited utterance, told him, “I got to sit in on a murder trial!”

He expressed his concern for my over-excited feelings toward homicide trials and it hit me: Is this reaction not normal?

The highlight of my day yesterday was sitting in court, seeing the bloody hoodie and watching the video of the suspect unfold before the jury and the audience.

Don’t get me wrong. The boy in court is 17 and is accused of killing another teenager. My heart broke when I heard the father begin to weep as the medical examiner explained just how his little boy was killed.

I sat there looking at this teenager trying to remember what I was up to at 17. My wisdom teeth were removed, I was excited about the Homecoming Dance and I remember stressing about college.

I never gave a thought to drugs, gangs or killing — but that is this young man’s entire life.

So understand, I have feelings and I have empathy for everyone involved. I’ve just learned to take myself out of the “reality” of the situation and look from an outsider’s perspective.

I never thought I would be fascinated by a picture of a corpse and the entry wound of a bullet, but I was on the edge of my seat in court. The process is truly fascinating.

But now I’m questioning myself.  Have I taken myself too far out of reality? Should a murder trial be just another day or am I taking my optimistic attitude too far?

Journalism, it’s a tricky, tricky business.

… and I’m Here Because?

I have wanted out of the newspaper business for a while. Before I even started at the Daily News I had thought of only working here for a few months and then moving on.

It’s harder than you think.

Sure, I still contemplate leaving the newspaper business for public relations, communications, publishing or my own online craft store (it’s in the thinking process). But opportunities come up in this job are so rare for any other field.

One of those opportunities is covering a murder trial that is attracting national coverage. I’ve busted my rump with the pretrial hearings, motion hearings, background coverage – I’ve done what’s needed to be prepared for this big job.

The coverage and several other pending murder trials are one of the reasons I’ve thought of not looking for another job and sticking it out here.

Well, that’s all changed.

I was called into my content editor’s office – never a good sign.

She gave me the look that told me something was wrong and that bad news was afoot. She told me the editor was giving the trial to a more seasoned reporter. She said sorry.

Whatever.

I was not upset, it made sense. Of course he should cover the huge trial. I was even given permission to hang with him one day for a bit to learn about the trial process after I asked.

The thing is it showed me how far I can get while working here. Any chance to grow beyond what I have is likely to be taken away.

So what am I doing here? What is my purpose?

I’m not upset, it has just given me a lot to think about.