Dying Alone

Alright, so I need to get to Starbucks before him, buy my drink as a foreshadowing of what’s to come and sit in a secluded space. This sucks.

So now I just sit calmly and read my book, well who am I kidding, pretend to read my book while instead feeling like a complete jerk for what I’m about to say. Oh, there’s his truck.

“Hey how are you?” I say, this is good, casual and calm. He probably already knows what’s about to happen.

“Hey,” yeah he knows.

“Ok, so I asked you here because we need to talk,” I said. “I just don’t forsee us being anything more than friends, but I really want to be your friend.”

“Oh, ok… that’s fine,” he said looking like a hurt puppy.

“But here’s the thing, I have thought of several reasons why I make an excellent friend and I’d like to share that with you if you want to hear,” please let him want to hear.

He laughs, “Ok.”

Phew.

“Well for one, as you know, I am awesome to hang out with. Two, when we hang out you don’t have to pay for me. Three, I always go to game nights that are just a ton of fun and four, I really do want to be your friend.”

Let’s go back, it’s been… months, well maybe a little over a year since a guy has shown any, and I do many any interest in me and here this guy comes and asks me out. And he’s nice, he opens the car door, listens to me when I blabber on and wants to hear about my day.

But for some reason, some awful, stupid reason, I just don’t feel anything for him. But I figure, it’s only been one date, don’t judge so quickly. The day after our first date he asks me out for the following day. We hang out, eat and have a good time, but still I just don’t see a romantic possibility in our future. That’s when I turn to the wisest people I know, my girlfriends.

“Leslie, I need help.”

“Let me hear about it,” Leslie says, she is wise beyond her years and has broken up with many-a-guy.

“I just don’t think it’s there, but I could be wrong. What do I do?”

“Well, it has only been two dates,” she says in her wise therapist-like voice. “I say try one more date and then reaccess.”

“Yeah, ok.” I listen to Leslie, she knows stuff.

“Hey, I gotta go but call me later and let me know what you decide.”

I have a 40-minute car ride and I need more help, so I call Kim. Kim is me in the form of a tall, skinny dancer who can look hot in any outfit, as oppose to me short, regular sized and can achieve nothing more than the cutest girl in the room who is 22 but looks 15 on a good day. Kim’s been with the same guy for four years, he’s three years younger than her but it works for them.

“HEY!” Kim’s always excited when I call, one of many reasons I love her.

“Hey, I need help,” I hate making decisions alone.

“So you know the guy I went on the date with, well, it turned out to be two dates in the one weekend, but I just don’t know. What do I do?”

“You went out twice!? Wow, he moves fast,” she’s always so focused. “Ok, well I think you shouldn’t give up just yet, but don’t do anything to give him the wrong idea in case you still feel the same way.”

“That makes sense, I can do that. One more date and see how I feel.”

So he asked me out again for Thursday since I would be out of town all weekend long. We decide on Chinese food and television at my place and it’s fun. It’s always fun, but it’s a friend fun. I get no butterflies, no desires to even hold his hand. But it is nice having attention from an actual male, it’s been awhile.

But sadly I can’t see him being more than a friend. And it’s nothing about him, it’s me. You see, I’ve been in love with the same guy for… well if I added it all up it would be a sad amount of time. He is one of my best friends and has no idea how I feel. If I were braver, I might say something, but obviously I am not.

Looking at the guy sitting across from me, whose heart I’m breaking, I can’t think of being with him when I could be with this other guy. My heart wants to let me believe that he will be the man I marry, the man I will hold hands with when we hear I’m pregnant and the man who will grumble about how much the retirement community is costing us. And that idea can’t be over ridden, which will probably be my demise.

I know I did the right thing, but as my mother tells me yet again that her and my father were “just friends” and now they’ve been married for 28 years I can’t help but think I may have made a mistake. Did I make a mistake? Did I just kick the only guy who will ever like me to the curb? Am I too picky?

Then panic.

I’m going to die alone. I’m never going to exchange vows, have babies or have someone to sit across from in the restaurant. I’m going to be the lonely lady who gets eaten by her cats, well not cats I’m more of a hamster person… and that’s even worse.

So this is me. Single in the South and scared to death that it will be that way forever. Lord help me, don’t let me die alone.

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