I will not steal toilet paper from my office. I will not stoop that low. I will not.
OK, maybe I will.
Next week I might have to.
I hate my life.
I’m a reporter. I’m a graduate student. I’m single. I’m depressed.
There’s low points in life, everyone has them but I think my life has gone a little more low. Here’s an analogy: You have someone having a rough day sitting on the ground a little dirty, a little sad. Beside them you see a hole. You look down the hole and see me on one of those machines that goes through the sand. I’m about 50 feet down and just getting started.
If you can’t tell, I’m having a hard time.
A job I interviewed for a few months back that I was told would be open in the summer fell through. The next day I got dumped. The following week I was supposed to hear about another job I interviewed for and up to this very moment have heard nothing.
At work, the head of photography yelled at me and someone I interviewed for a story retracted — not rare but enough to make me cry at work in front of other people. So embarrassing.
I forgot to pay my rent check and had to pay an additional $100.
Also, its been raining a lot.
I now cry at the drop of a hat.
Seriously, I cannot stop crying.
My mother told me my ex got the job he’s been really wanting – his dream job so to speak. I told her I was happy for him. When we hung up I yelled a little and then began irrationally crying, then sobbing, then balling.
Life is not going well for me.
My bank account is drained. My debt is through the roof. My life is in the crapper.
Where did I go wrong?
Was it the moment I thought I would not pursue a career in publishing? Was it the moment I took the job at the Daily News? Was it the moment I went back to school thinking all the debt I was acquiring would be worth it because I’d get a new, awesome job?
Or maybe it was all those moments.
Maybe, just maybe, I’m a terrible decision maker.
I think maybe God is testing me. Right now, I’m feeling like a modern day Job.
I feel sorry for Job.
No, I haven’t lost everyone I love in some terrible way and my skin isn’t covered in boils but I am getting puffy eyes from all the crying and my hair is a little greasy because I wasn’t up for showering in between tears last night.
I am so pathetic.
This was a rant so I apologize to anyone who made it this far down in the reading.
There’s nothing more to say. If I think about my life too much more I’ll start crying and I’m around other people so that would be bad.